Gratitude, Sadness and Money

I sold some stock options today. I'm so thankful for this financial resource. I'm so grateful. But after hitting the "exercise now" button and seeing the transaction complete, I got up to get another cup of tea, feeling good I accomplished a successful transaction. Then I found myself standing in my kitchen crying. In an instant it happened. What was going on? Ah. Those options were really dreams for a life that will never be. Those options were attached to Jack. To his hard work, his dreams, his success and our future. I know the meaning of "blood money". I'm living it. I'd give it all back (plus everything else) to have him back. But, I've been working on trying to focus on and feel gratitude lately. So here I was crying and feeling sad but grateful at the same time. How can that be? Then I realized this is a learning opportunity. A life lesson that has been sent my way. I can be sad and grateful at the same time. I can be happy and unhappy at the same time. I can be thankful but wish for better at the same time. Life is not always about absolutes. Many times it's about life swirling around inside all at once. So, today I was grateful, happy, sad and angry all at the same time and it was o.k. For a young widow I think this is progress.