"My Late Husband" and Other Social Conversation

I attended a neighborhood Christmas gathering last night where I met some new people. Just when you think you've got this widowhood thing down, something pops up to remind you of how much adjustment you've gone through and continue to go through.

We all talk about our past. It is part of the give and take of social conversation. But when over half of your life was spent with a person who is now dead, social conversation becomes a bit trickier. With people I am just meeting who know nothing about me, there is always a point in the conversation where I want to jump in and say, "oh, we went to Lake Tahoe every year", or "my husband was an engineer". Or better yet, an opportunity to answer a direct question like, "how long have you lived here?" If I say, "I've lived in the neighborhood for 10 years", it smacks of an untruth. They don't know it, but I do and it feels wrong. All of these terms give an incomplete picture, or a false picture. They are true, but not currently true. I've experiemented alot with my social conversation in reference to my husband. None of it sounds right and I usually leave a conversation feeling like I've lied. Like I am dishonoring my husband, my past, our relationship and my current life.

This dilemma struck early on in widowhood and it was odd. Do you have any idea how often you reference your spouse or significant other? Try counting some day. You'll be shocked. They are so intertwined in your life that you can't help but talk about them without even really knowing you're doing it. So we widows are in a unique position. To not talk about our past inclusive of our late spouses would dishonor them and the relationship we had. To reference "we" or "my husband" doesn't tell the whole story and feels a bit like lying.

The solution given to me earlier this year by another young widow seemed perfect. She said, try using "late husband". Problem solved right? Until you try to use it. First you have to be mentally and emotionally ready to say those words out loud. Not as easy as it might seem. So you practice to your dog and yourself before rolling it out to the general public. Then, when you do say it outloud in public, there is always an after affect. 2-1/2 years into this I sometimes forget the impact this will have on others. And believe me, there is always an impact. The look of shock, the sympathy gesture, or the questions thrown at you respectfully or disrespectively pumped at you a million a minute, or better yet all the positive energy in the room getting sucked out in one big wooshing sound leaving everyone looking for the exit. And then there are those total strangers who want to hear all the details and won't let you off the hook until you muster up the wherewithal and tell them you'd rather not talk about it. After all that, you then have to figure out how to pull yourself together and get on with your day or evening like it was no big deal. So no suprise that after experimenting with "late husband" I stopped using it.

But after last night, after staying quiet or saying "we" one too many times, I have a new resolution. I will become comfortable saying, "my late husband". And I will use it whenever it's called for. Consequences by damned. It's my truth.