It occurred to me today that I am living the life I have but not the life I want. This may seem like an obvious situation for someone in my shoes. But the problem is that for the first time in my life I have no goals, no purpose and no dreams. I am not used to feeling this way. I don't really recognize the life I am living now. Even at my low points as a kid, I had dreams of living life a certain way and of sharing it with someone special. Over the years, I have always had some purpose pushing me on, some dream in the background. It could have been big or small, but it was there. Now there is really nothing there. Even though I have a life I don't want, I don't know what the life is that I do want. There is nothing inside that pushes me along as it was before. No burning desire for anything like before. Some days it seems everyone in the world but me is occupied with and charging forth with a sense of purpose, making their own dreams happen and trying to live a fulfilling life.
Lately, I find myself wanting to talk with people who have had worse circumstances than I. People who have overcome. People who have managed to build a life worth living regardless. People who lead a joyful life, and have a thankful heart no matter what has happened to them. I want to know how they do it. Not necessarily how they keep going (I think I've figured this one out) but how they continue to have an internal attitude and spirit that cares, that dreams, that finds meaning.
I recognize now that so much of my inspiration came from my relationship with my husband. One more thing to miss and be without. One more thing to do for myself - find my own inspiration.
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I feel for you. I have been there and may still be. I made everything around me responsible for it (but that's not right...); I felt left back compared to others (but when I told them, they thought I was ahead...).
I've thought about interviewing such people and writing a book after I knew I was through with it.
Digging myself out of this hole is all about connecting to others and forcing myself not to retreat all the time : force myself to engage in conversations even when I feel like walking alone in a park.
And yet, I need this time alone... talk about a paradox. The way out of it is to chose the moments where I retreat and make sure it's not only when I feel down.
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