Music, Dating and Dogs

When you talk and live mainly with yourself everyday, it's amazing what kinds of topics your mind conjures up and how quickly it moves from one thing to another. Here's just a small sample. If you were thinking that because of the title there was a common thread amongst music, dating and dogs, so sorry:

Music is so great. It can set a mood. It can support a mood you are already in. It can lift your spirits. It can make you feel confident. It can make you cry your eyes out. It can make you remember moments, years, experiences, places and people. I love music. But it's interesting that I don't really listen to it much at home. I'm big at listening in the car, on my MP3 player and searching for new artists/songs on the web. What would we do without music?

Dating is scary. Can't believe I'm even thinking about it. 2-1/2 years ago I didn't care about anything. I just wanted Jack back. Shock and grief are not rational so I begged, pleaded, prayed, begged some more, tried to make deals with anyone or anything that could make it happen. At some point rational thought returned and I recognized I had to figure out how to live without him. But recognition is different than acceptance. I can't say that I've accepted the finality of the whole thing yet but I also wonder if I ever will. Working your way through all of that and through the heavy, desperate mourning, you are still left with unrelenting lonliness. Lonliness is talked about alot amongst young widows. Lonliness is always in the background and it can quickly (as we say in the young widow world), "wack you upside the head" when you least expect it. Lonliness is a constant companion. Lonliness is different than being alone. Being alone is a condition that can be changed. You can get out amongst people, call someone on the phone, trade emails, talk to someone, and feel less alone. But lonliness is different. Lonliness is there even when you are with people you love. Even when you are doing something you enjoy. It clings like a thorny burr. No matter what you do, it just doesn't want to let go. So, with trepidation, dating becomes a thing to look at. What's the old saying? Something like, "we only change when we get tired of ourselves or tired of the pain we are in". Well, that sums it up pretty well for me. But not everyday. Some days I'm ready to get out there and meet new people, and some days I'm not. But I'm moving ever closer to accepting that it is a next step and that it might actually wind up being a positive, fun, worthwhile endeavor. Besides, I know exactly what Jack would say, "You're hot! Stop waiting for the right time and get yourself out there."

Dogs are God spelled backwards. That corny saying has stuck with me since Jack's been gone. I believe it to be true now. Going through the process of finding a new dog to welcome into my family is a bit overwhelming and stressful. Until I remember that dogs bring so much more than they take. Of this I do know. With regard to dating and meeting new friends, I'm not sure exactly what I have to give in those relationships. But I do know what I have to give to a dog. And that's alot of everything.