Lost In Translation

I had some interesting conversations yesterday. They both made me realize I have no way to translate how it feels to be a young widow. At times it feels like I have an outer life that fits with society's expectations (and my own) but an inner life that can't be understood (not even by me) and makes me different from everyone else.

At lunch with a new girlfriend yesterday I found I couldn't describe with the right words, or stories, or analogies the way it has felt to be me the past 2-1/2 years. I struggled for a way to convey the true nature of the trauma, experience and feelings. This isn't the first time I've tried to convey it. This isn't the only time I feel like I failed. I was grateful for her questions because it's nice to have someone care. But once again, I tried to translate it but couldn't. There is never the moment where you can tell that someone gets it or even has a glimpse. They want to, they try, but it just doesn't seem the words exist. Maybe that's why I journal and blog and post to my online widow board. I'm still trying to translate it all through words. But how do you translate intensly shocking, deep, and personal feelings and experiences just through words? I don't know. Maybe I need to just accept that it doesn't matter if I can translate it. It just matters that people care about me.

Later I had dinner with friends from my old young widow grief support group. One of the women described it as, "Pandora's box has been opened for us and there's no closing it now. We know things and have wisdom others don't." It changes everything. It changes the way you look at situations, the conversations you engage in (or don't) with people, the goals or experiences you want to have, the way you are in the world. We then talked about how do we walk in a world where we feel like we are on one side of the glass looking out at everyone else. One widow says it helps her to be honest. To tell it like it is from her perspective. She doesn't hold back her opinion. She tells people to live now because it could all be over. She is honest and doesn't care what people think about her.

Us YW's are in a unique position. We have been forced into introspection, reflection and feeling our feelings. The rest of the world thinks all of that is an option.