Widowhood Is Not For Wimps

Hello. I haven't written in quite awhile. I got to a point where I felt like I was out of things to say. My thoughts feel like repeats. Same thoughts, different day. This is one of the challenges of widowhood. Even now, I have the overwhelming need to just end this post right there. I will say this. Young widowhood is not for the wimpy, faint of heart or shallow in spirit. It is really, really, really hard. Not everyday anymore. But on those days that it is hard, it is still very hard.

As I was leaving my financial planner today (oh, what a crazy ride the financial markets are taking us on), I found myself wishing Jack were here to provide input. To help with the decision making. To offer words of reassurance. Then I was hard on myself. It's been 3 years for crying out loud. He's not here! You need to be o.k. with doing all this yourself! Get better. Move forward. DO SOMETHING - ANYTHING! Stop wishing for something that can't be for pete's sake!! And then the softer voice replied, "you loved him and were with him for 24 of your 42 years. You were attached at the hip, in mind and spirit. You cannot expect yourself to be moving forward (or even moving) all the time." Ah, the head and the heart don't always agree now do they. Unfortunately, we tend to give the head more air time than the heart.

So, yes, after 3 years, it is still hard making decisions by myself. It is still hard to have some silly little event happen in my life and not have anyone to share it with. It is still hard to go through hardship or anxiety about the future and not have a helping hand. But most of all, it's hard to not have the love and everything that came with it.

And yes, today was my wedding anniversary. One half here, one half not.