I Used To

Lately, I find myself saying alot, "I used to (fill in the blank)". There is not much to talk about yet of my current life. Just like I say "late husband", I guess I should start saying, "in my late life, I...". You see I had this very incredible life with my husband. We worked really hard together to create that life and we tried not to take any of it for granted.

It takes an incredible amount of energy, time, money, brain power and courage to re-build a life and I get very tired sometimes. Especially because the previous life was at such a high standard and I want that back. Some days (o.k. most days) I wonder if the best years are behind me.

I used to...

mountain bike
travel
go to restaurants
be a wife
have someone to come home to
have someone to listen to my stories
worry less
have someone who would offer advice
have a husband who could fix anything
be more positive
have more mental and physical energy
periodically go to church
have a Beagle
enjoy a glass or two of wine
be interested in my future
collect a pretty good paycheck
get lots of hugs and kisses
feel less fearful and chaotic
look forward to the future
believe that if you worked hard, treated people well, that life would in turn, treat you well
have someone to go to the movies with
have a husband
have someone who would drive while I was a back seat driver
wake up next to someone
be a night person
have a good memory
enjoy parties
have people over to the house alot
have someone to share everything with
really love reading
share responsibilities
have a Mom and Dad who were living
feel young
be able to relax
have more hair
go to Lake Tahoe
love travel
have the capacity to help and support others
have plans for improving/remodeling the house
dreams and goals

There's a whole lot more to add to the list, but you get the idea. I didn't just lose a human being, I lost an entire life. One that can't be re-created no matter hard I may try. It's coming up on time to make some decisions about what I want for my new life.